Monday, May 4, 2009

Utahnized


Kegan's mouth is a heart. Isn't that adorable?
I'll put up more wedding pics in a few days.
Uncle Kim and Aunt Yvonne. They drove 4 hours to be at the wedding, and then drove back right afterwards. They're probably the cutest people on this planet (except the hot guy at the bottom of this stack, and the girl just above). Below you'll see my dad with Uncle Kim and two of his cousins. The cousin on the right is Julie, Dad's childhood BFF. If I haven't told you before, my dad's from Virgin, UT, population 90. About half Spendloves, if you don't count the in-laws.

After my week long trip, I'm pretty sure I can say I'm an expert on Utah. Not "In" Utah, but On.
People from Utah are always apologizing for things. I heard many apologies that sounded like this:
"So you take 5th East-- that's 500 East, actually, we just say 5th. Sorry, it's kind of messed up."
Apparently an amazing genius came to Utah and said, "We shall name all the streets in the 100's, except for some randomly placed streets in between the hundreds in suburby areas, and those shall all be in inconsistent increments of 20's. And we shall start all of the streets from a zero-zero point that no one but a city planner will be able to discern and then count upwards from there, in every direction, naming each street East, West, North, and South. Yet in our addresses and directions, we shall explain the direction of the directions, and then the direction the street is called. Therefore, you shall take East 500 South and stop on the corner of the cross street, West 700 West. Then for good measure, we will throw in a diagonal street of East 200 West. Just so ye do not lose thy way."
Now, I totally understand the genius of this system. I especially understand how every single city in Utah (at least the 6 I've been in) has this system. So not only is there a 300 South in Orem, there is also a 300 South in Provo, Cedar Hills, Draper, Pleasant Grove, Salt Lake City and Spanish Fork.
I asked someone how I was supposed to remember which of the various 100 streets each direction points, and someone said, apologetically, "The mountains are East. Except for those mountains, which are South. And those way way mountains, those are West. Just remember to go South on 100 East, which is in the direction of those mountains, if you are facing the reflection of the mountains in the lake." You just can't get close to those way way mountains, because they will do an about face and become West mountains.
There were some apologies I did not hear, but I think we all understand a silent apology when we hear one.
For example, Super Walmart definitely is apologizing just for existing. I mean, you should totally NOT be able to buy shrink wrapped raw chicken breasts at the same store known for its discount prices. I really think there are a few things that just don't need a rollback.
The "G" on the hill over the valley apologized for not being a "P", because "Pleasant Grove" does not start with G, the last time I checked. I think that after the genius created his road system, he went down unto the valley and said, "We shall name this place 'Grove', which starts with G." Probably halfway through constructing this town the genius's assistant pointed out that Grove may be too generic, and it needed a strong adjective to help it survive.
I hold no ill-will towards Utah for being out of Sriracha sauce at 3 different stores, or for spelling Macy's with an 'e', with no clothes in sight, or for their near 7% sales tax. Or even for hogging all of the frozen yogurt locations in the U.S. or offering Mexican coke on tap. Or even for snowing on the last Sunday in May.
It's important to accept these apologies graciously, and forgive.

12 comments:

Damaris said...

he looks so happy.

Kristina P. said...

I wondered where you have been! And they look so happy!

And yes, Utah can be weird, but I love the grid system. Sorry. ;)

It also helps me when I
m in NYC!

Karen said...

lol...again!

Mariko said...

Kristina P. Do YOU LIVE in UTAH?
WHAT?!
That definitely changes the light on your exhibitionists. I mean, not only are they exhibitioning, but you are standing outside on your freezing cold porch to see them.
Plus, it seems like "As Seen on TV" is so much more relevant in Utah.

myimaginaryblog said...

I'm so sorry. For everything.

Chowder said...

Since when was "pleasant" a strong adjective?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee Chowder totally got you!

And hee hee hee on all the other stuff. I mean HA HA HA LOLOLOL!

It's fun to see someone quirky and hoity toity like yourself make some apologies for Utah.

I'm so glad you're back. I have missed you so much. And I love all the photos. They are be-U-tiful.

sienna said...

i know exactly where to find sriracha. you should have asked. (chao's asian market on university ave and 200 N.--for next time). glad you're a utah pro now.

sienna said...

that's 200 N in provo.

Mariko said...

Chowder wasn't listening during the irony lesson in my class, I guess.

Sienna: I'm not cackling now. Really. (I did finally find sriracha. Finally. Actually, many stores carried it, but didn't have it at the time. I think the sriracha bandit was in town.)

Keiko said...

I'm from Sapporo, and we had the same system just middle of city area. I heard this genius guy who planned Utah's roads also came to Sapporo, and did the same thing. Congrats to your brother!

April said...

Ummmm, I am 4 miles away from Virgin. True story. My one son goes to school with Spendloves and my other son just took one on a date last week! Another true story. Small world Mariko!