Friday, January 30, 2009


I am starting to believe that Amaya secretly knows how to read. I'm not sure when she practices this, but there's been some evidence that is hard to ignore.

As a teacher, this is hard for me to swallow, because she totally refuses to even try if I start suggesting colors, letters, or numbers. She actually puts her little hand over my mouth, or closes the book we're looking at. I am, in fact, starting to brace myself for the idea that I might have the kind of kid that teachers call home about. The one that doesn't like school. If I point to a letter and say, "What is that?" She will say, "THAT!" and then walk away. The only letter I have previously gotten her to recognize correctly was the letter 'O', and its not a consistent recognition.

A few weeks ago she was playing with a deck of cards (something we never let her do, because it's a mess, but I let her because we were staying at the Graham's house and toys were limited to the 2 we brought over, and the assortment of makeup I found her in on more than one occasion), and she brought me a card and said, "Here's the joker."
Yes, it was the joker. I was kind of shocked. I said, "Can you bring me the King?"
And she did.
Then I said, "Bring me the Queen."
She brought me the Jack, but I think this was to throw me off. And, NO, they were not in order in the deck.

Often Jake and I joke about this, because occasionally we'll be at the store or somewhere in public and she will suddenly name the box of cereal on the shelf, one we've never eaten, bought, or seen on TV. It's a bit eerie when it happens, actually.

Then today I was cutting her a piece of cake (her 2nd piece today, but of course I didn't know that) that had part of the words "Happy Birthday Bryan" written in cursive on the cake. She suddenly says, "There's an A!"
I literally looked at her in shock.
When I composed myself, realizing that there were lots of letters, and she could be talking about anything, and as far as I know she's at least heard that A is one of the letters of the alphabet, I asked her to point it out to me. And she was right.
I got a little excited, friends, and I tried to hide it because I knew she was going to just walk away in disgust any second now, but I really couldn't help pushing it a little.
I said, "Can you point to the P?" The cake was upside down of course, and in cursive, but she clearly pointed to a piece of cursive that looked like a P, even though it wasn't the actual P that was upside down. I said, "What about the H?" And there her little pointer finger went.
Before I could ask another, she pointed to the cross in the letter on the tail of Y that looked like an X, and she said, "And there's an X!"
I was totally dootzing in my pants.
Very excitedly I said, "Where's the S?" as I gestured to the name of the cake company on the box.
She looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, I don't want to do that," and proceeded to eat her cake.
I see some turbulent teenage years ahead of me. No doubt about it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Diet that Works

I'm launching my idea for my new book here, and you'll have to tell me what you think.

Now, most diets make crazy promises about losing weight. I have to tell you, I will make no such folly.

Here, I outline a diet that works. I absolutely 100% GUARANTEE that you will maintain or gain weight on this diet. No more fretting over pounds lost and dress fittings--- you will definitely be maintaining and/or gaining weight, and you will feel like you are doing work for it.

These are my basic rules for my diet, which is called "The Fortune Scale," because you will always be increasing your wealth of fat:

  1. Tell people you are on a diet. It is best if you pick one that is popularly known, especially if that diet is very disciplined. For example, I like to say that I am on the South Beach diet.

  2. Follow the South Beach diet for a time, but you realize that to maintain such discipline you would have to throw away all of your food and lock yourself in the closet for a month, and have a personal midget to bring your eggs to you every morning (it has to be a midget, because you would not dream of begging a midget to feel sorry for you, even if you realize that it is extremely short minded of you to think such a thing, but you do anyway because you are vertically challenged yourself and you assume that it is a problem for any such persons).

  3. So, since you recognize that you must give yourself some exceptions, the first exception you make is that you are allowed to eat any food that is served at a birthday party. Especially because it is rude to make the guest of honor feel self conscious about the fattening foods served at such a party.

  4. Another important exception is that you are allowed to eat any food served at a meeting. This is because food at a meeting is never served in real life, so this is a time to sample delicacies that you would never run into in an average day, like doughnuts and salt & vinegar potato chips.

  5. The last very important exception is that you are allowed to eat any food when you have guests over. It is very rude not to serve dessert in such a situation, and even if they are over for dinner, it is rude to require them to follow your diet. Dessert must follow. Ask guests to come over as often as possible.

  6. During this whole time, appear to be following the diet at meals where none of the exceptions apply, except when you are making dinner for your husband, who considers the diet to be a burden. If HE makes dinner, he of course is not required to follow your diet. Ask him to make dinner a lot.

  7. If your husband or you make dinner (which you must do every night) you are also allowed to bring any leftovers from that dinner for lunch the next day, because you are a busy person who exercises and cooks for people, and you don't have time to make a salad with poached chicken breast for lunch.

  8. This rule may seem counterintuitive, but I assure you it is not: EXERCISE. If you do not exercise, it is very possible that you will lose weight, even though you are eating everything in sight during guest dinners, birthday parties, and meetings, which somehow make up at least 75% of your eating during the week. If you exercise, especially if you exercise very hard with your P90x videos without fail every day, you will definitely, absolutely-posotutely, gain weight. This phenomenon is also 100% likely to occur even if you are not making any food exceptions and are following your said diet with fidelity and supposedly burning as many calories as you are taking in. In fact, I could throw out this whole diet and simply say, "Exercise" with the express purpose of burning calories, and you will positively gain weight.

You may wonder what the advantage to this program might be. A huge benefit to this diet is that you will feel like you are dieting, gain sympathy for your cause, and many people will tell you that you are completely perfect and don't need to lose weight.

And this, people, is all a diet is good for.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Look

("What? Are my eyebrow hairs uneven?")
Beanie from Isaac Lee

Conversation between a first time waxer and a waxing eyebrow artist:

"I'll do that for free."


"Your moustache. I'll do it for free."

See. My face IS hairy.

And yes, Wyatt noticed my eyebrows the SECOND he walked into class that day. And that they were uneven.

English? Directions? Courtesy? Not even a nod of acknowledgement.

New Eyebrows? This deserves some pointed discussion.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

(im)Perfect Romantic Moments

I like to catalog romantic and wannabe romantic moments, and I thought, after Crash's fun first kiss comment box, that I have a good list to share.

After our first date (and I didn't know it was exactly a date, even though I dressed like it was), Jake walked me home and we stared awkwardly up in the sky while he told me he liked me more than just a friend. He was totally offended that I didn't respond, but I was kind of just drinking it all in. And guys, there were shooting stars. Obviously there was only way this could go.

There was also this one time that Jake and I were kind of standing very close face to face (well, more like face to torso), by the GCB, and he had his feet on top of my shoes, and I had my hands in my pockets, and then he reached out to me, and pushed me. Straight down. Like a punching dummy that doesn't come back up.

In "Only You", Robert Downey Jr. presents Marisa Tomei with these perfect shoes to go with her perfect outfit (Hey, it was the 90's, 'k? the outfit was perfect, and no one suspected him of being gay) and sends her off on a date with another man. He just looks at her closely with the eyes, and tells her that he hopes she will be happy. And then she leaves. What a wacko. At 13 I was ready to jump him.

In "Reality Bites", there's this dialogue that I just wanted to be a part of so badly. Winona: I was really gonna be something by the age of twenty-three. Ethan: Honey, all you have to be by the age of twenty-three is yourself. Winona: I don't know who that is anymore. Ethan: Well, I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again... But I love her. *kissing and cooking macaroni and cheese ensue

The best kisses are the always those ones that take people by surprise. If I run into one of those in a movie, if I can, I always rewind and watch it again. Grey's Anatomy is full of those.

After Nolan and I danced around each other for a couple of weeks, and then established that we liked each other (I was an insecure person, I made him say it really loud and clear before I gave any information up), we were on our way in to the movie theater and I turned and said, "So, uh, are we going out now?" He said [are you ready people?], "Yeah, sure."

The time Dan and I were running on the dock and he, while I was in mid sentence, picked me up and jumped in the water, I thought, "Now why couldn't this have been a romantic moment, rather than just a plain old really annoying thing he just did so that I would have to run home with squishy shoes?" He told me that this was the kind of thing I'd look back on and laugh. Now, really. What kind of person tries to create memorable events?

After I broke up with Cody, and then he begged me to get back together with him and give him one more chance, and then settled for me waiting until the next morning, and then broke up with me 30 seconds later (I still contest that it was I who broke that off, and this is my blog, so that's what I say), he immediately asked me to kiss him for old times' sake (we'd dated a whole slew of weeks, mind you) in a pretty theatrical way, even sweeping his arms around and talking about our now 1 minute kaput relationship in a fond way. I guess I had a thing for people who worked to create memorable events.

And then there's Jack Bauer. He talks with that quiet, intense voice, and if you listen just right, it sounds like he's whispering sweet nothings to every person he talks to. "You're going to tell me where those bombs are, or I will kill you." That's hot. Totally. 24 hours of perfect romance.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Nope, just a little full in the belly

Student: "Miss, are you..."
Me: "What?"
Student: "Nevermind."
Me: "Oooookay...." walking away
Student: "Miss, are you pregnant?"

Every person who sees Amaya: "Oh, she's so big! Getting ready for a little brother are we?"

Every person who sees me: "How many kids do you have now?"

Every person I want to kick in the shins: "Congratulations!"

This, of course, increased significantly after I lost 10 lbs.
Is it any wonder that I absolutely do NOT want to get pregnant right now?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


What Amaya's been saying lately:

"I eating cat food, Mommy. Look! Like goldfish!" (the crackers)

"I eating Polly Pocket, Mommy. Yum yum."

"I have money." (what she didn't add, "in my mouth.")

Then, during dinner, several days in a row:

"NO! NO! I don't want it!"

"Ugh. That's rubbish."

"Yuck. I want to spit it out."

I think she's figured out that I'm developing a complex over this.

Monday, January 5, 2009

At 3 am

So some certain someones (what a nice alliteration, ya think?) were talking in my room (ahem, I mean, in the next room, but their little voices were in my room because of my poor decrepit and paraplegic walls-- this is not to say that paraplegics are decrepit, just that my walls are because they flake dust all over the house and I have to wear slippers all the time and worry about breathing it in my lungs) at 3 or 4 am, and after they decided to quiet down (still love you guys) I was left to my thoughts.
Why are thoughts so LOUD when you're trying to go to sleep?
This is what I typically think about at 3 am:

I did not pay my car insurance bill that was due on January 1st.

WHY did I not PAY my CAR INSURANCE BILL?!?!?!?

I cannot believe I did not pay my car insurance bill!!!!!

I should get up right now and pay it. They are probably going to charge me at least $60 for not paying it on time.

I should make up a really sad story about the flood and how I could not find my car insurance bill so I totally forgot to do it.

This is not entirely true. Hmmm.

Will I go to Hell if I tell them this, even though I thought about it several times before January 1st and just thought, "Oh, whatever, I'll do it when I have some time"?

I probably won't go to Hell if I just tell them that I've been stressed out since the flood, and imply that I did not know where the actual bill was located, 100%. I mean, it was somewhere on the shelf in my living room, but I'd have to look for at least 30 seconds before I found it. It's not like I just SAW it on my to do list. But then again I don't have to do lists. I just rely on my increasingly awful memory to pay bills. On sort of time, lately.

Okay, so I'll just get up really really early, and call them, and be really nice about it.

AUGH. I cannot BELIEVE I did not PAY my CAR insurance bill.

I should think about something else. This is not helping me fall asleep.

Wait a sec. Did I pay my credit card bill?

I am going to kill myself. God, I promise to pay my bills on time forever and ever after if you just click your little button up there that says I paid my credit card bill on time. I mean, I totally have the money. You can do that, right?

SIGH. I just have to think of something else.

Man, I really really hope no one ever decides to try to kidnap Amaya. That would be SOOOOO scary. What would I even do if that happened? It would probably happen while I was watching her, and everyone would blame me. But I totally would not mean for that to happen. God, I promise to watch Amaya every second of my life as long as you protect her from being kidnapped. Probably what would happen is she would walk away from the house and someone would pick her off the highway, and I'd be running around Pam's house yelling for her and have no idea what is going on.

Yes. I totally do think of this. All. Night. Long. Or at least until 6:15 am, and then Amaya wakes up at 6:30 am for her milk.

So what was the last thing I actually thought before I fell asleep?

Hmmm. When am I supposed to have my period? Am I late? What day is it?

I tell you, if I get pregnant the second I finally make it to my pre pregnancy weight after this awful hideous gosh darn diet, this would so just be a kick in the balls.

God, I promise not to kick anyone in the balls as long as I get to enjoy being normal size for at least a month. I think that promise also includes your help in losing 7 more pounds. Thanks.