Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Diet that Works

I'm launching my idea for my new book here, and you'll have to tell me what you think.

Now, most diets make crazy promises about losing weight. I have to tell you, I will make no such folly.

Here, I outline a diet that works. I absolutely 100% GUARANTEE that you will maintain or gain weight on this diet. No more fretting over pounds lost and dress fittings--- you will definitely be maintaining and/or gaining weight, and you will feel like you are doing work for it.

These are my basic rules for my diet, which is called "The Fortune Scale," because you will always be increasing your wealth of fat:

  1. Tell people you are on a diet. It is best if you pick one that is popularly known, especially if that diet is very disciplined. For example, I like to say that I am on the South Beach diet.

  2. Follow the South Beach diet for a time, but you realize that to maintain such discipline you would have to throw away all of your food and lock yourself in the closet for a month, and have a personal midget to bring your eggs to you every morning (it has to be a midget, because you would not dream of begging a midget to feel sorry for you, even if you realize that it is extremely short minded of you to think such a thing, but you do anyway because you are vertically challenged yourself and you assume that it is a problem for any such persons).

  3. So, since you recognize that you must give yourself some exceptions, the first exception you make is that you are allowed to eat any food that is served at a birthday party. Especially because it is rude to make the guest of honor feel self conscious about the fattening foods served at such a party.

  4. Another important exception is that you are allowed to eat any food served at a meeting. This is because food at a meeting is never served in real life, so this is a time to sample delicacies that you would never run into in an average day, like doughnuts and salt & vinegar potato chips.

  5. The last very important exception is that you are allowed to eat any food when you have guests over. It is very rude not to serve dessert in such a situation, and even if they are over for dinner, it is rude to require them to follow your diet. Dessert must follow. Ask guests to come over as often as possible.

  6. During this whole time, appear to be following the diet at meals where none of the exceptions apply, except when you are making dinner for your husband, who considers the diet to be a burden. If HE makes dinner, he of course is not required to follow your diet. Ask him to make dinner a lot.

  7. If your husband or you make dinner (which you must do every night) you are also allowed to bring any leftovers from that dinner for lunch the next day, because you are a busy person who exercises and cooks for people, and you don't have time to make a salad with poached chicken breast for lunch.

  8. This rule may seem counterintuitive, but I assure you it is not: EXERCISE. If you do not exercise, it is very possible that you will lose weight, even though you are eating everything in sight during guest dinners, birthday parties, and meetings, which somehow make up at least 75% of your eating during the week. If you exercise, especially if you exercise very hard with your P90x videos without fail every day, you will definitely, absolutely-posotutely, gain weight. This phenomenon is also 100% likely to occur even if you are not making any food exceptions and are following your said diet with fidelity and supposedly burning as many calories as you are taking in. In fact, I could throw out this whole diet and simply say, "Exercise" with the express purpose of burning calories, and you will positively gain weight.

You may wonder what the advantage to this program might be. A huge benefit to this diet is that you will feel like you are dieting, gain sympathy for your cause, and many people will tell you that you are completely perfect and don't need to lose weight.

And this, people, is all a diet is good for.


Karen said...

Too funny (true=funny)

Martha said...

I had to come over to your blog. Josh needs to drop Ms. G. He has story after story and stuff that she has pulled which is so unfair. The main reasons are: he says he's not learning anything, she doesn't teach well, and it doesn't matter how hard he tries he still gets bad grades.

Get this, he's partners with a teacher's pet girl and they do a presentation or act in class. Josh says he did super good. He gets a C and she gets an A for the exact same thing.

He is not willing to study for 3 hours every night and I don't blame him. Anyway, I'm going to call Mrs. P in the morning. I really want him out. You know my son Adam went through the same thing. Even if he does better, he'll still get a C. Which is better than the D he got for the semester. Oh, and she says he's doing fine. I must have told her 5 times that a D is not fine.

Why do they have to take all honors? It's stupid. Who makes these rules?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

You are perfect and you don't need to lose weight.

WOW! Your diet really works.

hee hee. Very funny post!

Kristina P. said...

I'll just stick with smoking crack, but thanks for the tips!

Ikaika P. said...

I always tell people, "I was on a diet until I got hungry."

Mariko said...

Martha: Did you see my comment on your blog? Or am I chasing you around for nothing?

Kristina: Does that work?

Ikaika: You get hungry? Huh.

Crash: You're just jealous no one ever even thinks about saying that to you. And I don't care if they don't say it because it's already obvious.

Martha said...

Oh, I'll look. I never check my own blog.