Monday, July 27, 2009

What you're thinking when a miracle happens to you

So some psychos stole my luggage, and a someone who sounds psycho on the phone found it.

Our phone conversations included him telling me detail by detail what was in my luggage, including the unmentionables, several reassurances that he was not crazy, and that he was looking for a new wife.

We were worried to go get it, and wanted the police to pick it up for us, which they won't do (in case you wanted to know). They wanted him to bring it to the station. When I mentioned that to him, he said he was old, didn't have a car, and was trying to do us a favor, but...

When I said we lived pretty far away and it would be hard to come get it, he said he could bring it to us.

Strange, yes?

Christian went and got it for me, paid the guy a reward, and reported him as harmless.

Yes, we got almost all of it back. Things that were gone:

brand new sandals, clothes with tags still attached, presents for various newborns and in utero children, random toiletries, and....


Don't ask me why I had sardines, but I had 2 cans of them from Zingerman's, and was dismayed to find them gone. The psychos liked the sardines I guess. But not the Nutella. I tell you, WEIRD.

I was even amazed to find that all of my school papers, the ones that had been in the zipper of the suitcase, were all stuffed into the duffel bag. I had specifically prayed to find these. And my brush. I mean, who rummages through a bunch of stuff and then actually puts stuff back in? Why not just toss it all into the trash?

Why not put the suitcase and duffel bag INTO the dumpster, instead of right beside it?

And if you find it, why do you grab them both, even if the duffel bag is totally unlabeled?

The main thing you think, when a miracle happens to you, is that Someone is paying attention.


Why the sardines?

Friday, July 24, 2009

What you're thinking when some @#2%01# steals your luggage

W. H. A. T.

Maybe it's under the car.


Okay. Think. Where did you see it last?

Alrighty, so if it's not in the trunk of the car, then where could it be now? I'm sure I must have put them somewhere around here.

I did something wrong here. I forgot some crucial step in my decision making today. Now, I need to rewind and happen to come back to the car at about 12:30. Then I would have seen that they were taking my stuff, and I would have run after them and scared them away, and my stuff would be safe.

ARRRRRRRGH. How can I catch them in the act?
Look around. Maybe they're still here. Is that woman putting a suitcase in her car?

No. That's a baby.

Okay, think. What was in the suitcase? Clothes, gifts, computer... AAAAHHH! My computer!

Weird. They didn't take my backpack with my computer. PHEW. That is crazy lucky. I mean, WOW. I am so awesome to have put all my expensive stuff in my backpack.

Why didn't I put my work papers in my backpack! WHY didn't I put my P90X DVD's in my backpack? Why didn't I put my awesome new Japanese brush in my backpack that I can never find again?
WHY didn't I put my suitcase in my backpack?!

Calm down. Really. There must be some other stuff that I don't actually care about.
Toothpaste. I don't really care about my toothpaste.

Well... I did just buy it. And it was Tom's toothpaste. I never buy that in Hawaii. Dang.

I don't really care about my toothpaste, but I kind of do.
I also had some socks.


Is this a message from God that I shouldn't be here? Does he send messages through luggage thieves? Should I be interpreting this?

I totally should not have paid for my luggage to be brought here. It cost $15 per bag! I should have just thrown them in the trash before I got to the airport. That would have been so much smarter.

I even paid for the luggage cart! TWICE!

If those luggage thieves were here, I would tell them what an inconvenience they've caused me. They would feel pretty dumb if I could just talk to them.

Is that my luggage over there?



That's a small shrub.

I really wish I wasn't so materialistic. Then this wouldn't even matter.
And I wish I was rich, so this wouldn't matter.

And I wish I had put my suitcase in my backpack.

Friday, July 10, 2009

If you could be 2 forever

If she was two forever:

She'd still be in love with Austin

I would find pieces of carpet in her nose

A parasite would be living in her stomach from licking the window screen daily

Every day she would ask me if it was her birthday

The last hour of morning sleep would be squirming around in my bed

New vocabulary would pop up in every day language, like "scrumptious"

L's would sound like y's, as in "I yick my yips"

We'd have popsicle tubes in our freezer

Singing "Hakuna Matata" would be one repeated line

Her bangs would always be in her eyes

We'd swing and sing in the hammock every afternoon

Everyone would want to entertain her

She'd take a nap from 4 till 5 pm

Tea time would be a permanent item on the agenda

Everything past would be last night and everything future would be tonight

Going pee in the toilet would be the last priority if anything interesting was happening

The library would be the most exciting place in the world

A marshmallow filled with mango juice would be enough reward for anything

She'd be giving me hugs, kisses, and I love yous hourly

Happy 3rd Birthday Amaya. I wish you could be two forever.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Delaying the Inevitable

I'm a pro at putting off things that are inevitable. In case you'd like to put some of my techniques to use, here are some tried and true ideas.

1) When you see that the dishes are piling up in the sink, reorganize the counter so that more go in the sink, so you can put more on the counter when you need to. Everyone knows you don't have to do dishes until there is no more room to put dishes.
You can also soak the dishes that are super crusty, because everyone knows you can't do dishes that are super crusty.

2) If the floor is badly in need of a good "knees on the floor" scrub, buy a swiffer. If that isn't good enough, then use it. Don't bother moving the furniture. You'll get around to a good scrub eventually. You have time in your schedule next April. I recently vacuumed the kitchen. It's not such a bad substitute, really.

3) Let's say your car safety inspection is expiring. You definitely get at least a day grace period when it does expire. Then call your local safety inspector and ask him if he can do it. When he says, "No, call on Wednesday," wait until Thursday, so that he can tell you to call again on Monday, and so forth. This way, you are involving others in your putting off-ness, and you can even complain about it. Then others see that you are clearly trying to do something about it, but the forces of nature are colliding against you.

4) If you have a for sure something's wrong with you disease, and you feel awful, look up your symptoms on the internet. Then tell everyone about it. After listening to several friends and a spouse tell you to make a doctor's appointment, consider which kind of doctor you should go to. During this time have no real plans to make an appointment because everyone knows you should not ever confirm a "for sure something's wrong with you disease." Everyone knows this leads to "for sure something's wrong with you" treatment, which involves needles or small scopes built for small places. Instead you should wait until you are either so uncomfortable that your spouse calls a doctor for you, or your symptoms change slightly so that you can research a different "something is probably wrong with you" disease and start the process again.

5) Your neck has been telling you recently that you're getting old. The lines are standing out stronger than your chin line. The best thing for you to do here is to buy some products that work really hard, pumping their arms up and down all night and bathe your skin in plumping moisture while you sleep. Everyone knows that the inevitable here is surgery, but you haven't saved up enough money yet, since you're spending it all on "make your skin look like it will tomorrow" night cream.

Surely you've noticed now that delaying is hard work, which is probably why I never have any time to do anything else.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Learning Disability

I'm often stumped by things I want to learn, think I should be able to learn, but then because I don't immediately understand them I just stop.
I think I'm pretty learning spoiled.

Anything to do with moving my body, you can pretty much count out. I am hopeless at seeing someone do something (like a dance move, or a flip) and then doing it myself.

Even on my P90x video, there's a sequence where you throw and catch a pitch, and I just move around to get the exercise, but I can never figure out which foot to lift and what arm to put down, and I feel like I'm doing some sort of tribal dance. And yes, when I dance, it looks like an accident.

Things I want to learn, but am frustrated by easily:
1. Sew. It's too frustrating to even talk about.

2. How to fix actual problems with my computer without calling my dad. I am good at defragmenting and changing the startup programs, and beyond that, I can do nothing. I did open up my computer twice, and I think I broke my internet wireless card by touching it too much.

3. Play the guitar. I should be able to do this, but I get really annoyed really fast because I cannot remember where to put my fingers and it hurts.

4. Speak Japanese. It's tragic how I speak a minimal amount of French and next to no Japanese. The worst part is that Jake is now listening to the Japanese podcast. I am foreign language retarded, and I blame that on my English skill.

5. Gardening. Now, you're going to say, just go out there and do it. But for some reason, I am afraid of doing it. I think I am going to kill things. I can rake leaves, but I worry about touching actual alive plants.

There are a number of other things I want to learn how to do: fish, basic auto mechanics, carpentry and house building, do an ollie, dance like Michael Jackson... I'll probably need to spend too much time to learn those things.

I also want to write a book, get my PhD, have more kids, read every book on my bookshelf, travel, and everything else I already do.

I wish I didn't have to sleep so much. And that reading a book about doing something was as good as doing it.

Of course, if that worked, first thing I'd do before any of that list, I'd buy a bunch of diet books.