I'm having a hard time with the title.
I thought I would post this here, because I have some amazing students. And these amazing students actually helped me edit this poem.
Usually I'm really irritated with my students (every year) because they have a hard time being critical of writing. SO, I gave them something they couldn't wait to tear apart. My own poem.
I was surprised to find that they did a good job. Not because they don't write well. Because I actually made this into a way better poem because of them.
It still needs some tweaking, but I like how it's turning out.
They didn't like the word "crackling." But I couldn't find a suitable replacement. Poet's license I guess. Everything I came up with made it sound more and more like cereal.
When we argue in the car,
soon we fall into a silence
backlit by wheels spinning over concrete
air slips around our encased contention
the tunnel cuts the radio transmission
into a tune of electric chafe
Your head is facing the angle of the windshield.
You are watching the lines in the road
making their paths out of the dark.
I wonder if the direction of your face
Means you are waiting for my reply,
Being alone, together, crackles in my ears.
We’ve had this moment before
In many pieces
~ We’re standing in a wind, cliff side,
the waves cresting white over rocky pieces
~ hiking ahead of you,
clouds heavy in my rasping breath
~ our running soles scraping concrete,
a lopsided beat, at night