Thursday, November 20, 2014

Recent Discomforts


Waking up two hours earlier than your alarm because your husband is yelling loudly, wordlessly, in his sleep, sending adrenaline pumping through your body while you attempt to wake him.

Emailing the faculty that their computers do not have 739 viruses each and to not click to clear their computers of said viruses, because mentioning it is bound to make at least ten people vaguely remember something about this, and that they should maybe click on this because they’ve heard about it.

Having people who are much, much thinner than you compliment you on your weight loss, tell you that you don’t need to lose weight, and then pretend that weight is just a number while simultaneously mentioning something about eating carbohydrates on Wednesdays only, the exact tightness of their skinny jeans, and the precise number of ounces they have gained and lost since high school, charted like babies’ growth percentiles.

Asking the smartest kid in your class to repeat his mumbling in a more audible way, and having him refuse to tell you what he just said, and then asking the kid next to him to tell you, and that kid pretending to have forgotten what was just said.

Sitting in church and hearing the teacher say, “I did not prepare a lesson today because I want to give you guys a chance to talk.”

Hearing a large gaggle of drunk men outside laughing louder than the music you are playing in your own house, and wishing you had trained in judo, kickboxing, or at least joined the CIA.

Your husband asking you if you want him to start shaving his legs. and not laughing right away.

Texting/Saying/Emailing/Writing something you thought was funny, and waiting for a response, for far too long, and wishing that there was a text/speech/email/writing retrieving function.

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